Library Classics... 'Conan the Destroyer' (1984)


It's funny how that I'm always after a book that will make me think, while I'm reading it, but when it comes to films, I'm totally the opposite... How about you? I think there's something about moving pictures where I'm just happy to let them wash over me and take me wherever the story goes. I was particularly in the mood for this today so it was perhaps inevitable that I would sit down and watch 'Conan the Destroyer'. Well, it was going to be 'Conan the Barbarian' (the 'Arnie' one) but I couldn't find the DVD so had to make do with what I had. It wasn't exactly a chore to be honest, 'Conan the Destroyer' was as fun to watch as it always is.

Queen Taramis tasks Conan, and his accomplice Malak, with a mission to escort the Princess Jehenna while she fulfils her destiny to retrieve the horn of the dreaming god Dagoth. If the Princess does get the horn though, she won't live long enough to enjoy her triumph as she must be sacrificed before the god awakes... Betrayal awaits on all sides, will Conan win through and rescue the Princess?

Lets get that question out the way. We all know that Conan will rescue the Princess; I suspect that people watching this for the first time (in 1984) knew that Conan would rescue the Princess. That's the whole point of Conan; ever since he strode, fully formed, into the imagination of Robert E. Howard way back in the day. Where the fun lies is watching Conan go about his barbarian business and 'Conan the Destroyer' is full of that. Before we get to that though, a little moan that you may be familiar with from other blogs... The film makers had a positive wealth of 'Conan' stories to choose from, why did they decide to ignore all of them and go with a run of the mill 'Princess on a Quest' plot? The actors rescue it (more on that in a bit) but there is nothing new here, not at all (maybe one little nod to the books with the red cloak that the creature wears). And maybe that's the point as well, this is what Conan does after all. It does feel like some potential was wasted though. And what was all that business with Malak talking about his 'cousin's sister's brother'? Wouldn't that just be his cousin as well? A minor quibble but one that niggled more than a little.

But that's ok because we've got Arnold Schwarzeneggeer and Grace Jones running about the place, beating the crap out of assorted enemies and looking like they are having the time of their lives. You can forgive a lot of other stuff when you have these two who I'd swear actually believe that they are Conan and Zula (unfortunate choice of name there film makers, literally anything else would have worked). Grace Jones looks like she is only ever one step away from killing someone for real and Schwarzenegger just radiates that sense of wildness you find in Conan's character. These two carry the film almost effortlessly and it's so easy to buy into the story as a result. Like I said earlier, it is a run of the mill plot but the fight scenes, and especially the 'monster fight' scenes, make up for this. I would have liked to have seen more of Pat Roach though, he always seems to die very quickly whenever I see him in a film...

If I had to choose between the two original films, I'd have to go with 'Conan the Barbarian' but 'Conan the Destroyer' is still a lot of fun in it's own little way. It's Conan doing what Conan does best but I'd still love to see a movie adaptation (or maybe a well made TV series) of the original books. Oh well, a chap can dream...

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