Library Classics... 'Conan the Barbarian' (1982)

After watching 'Conan the Destroyer' the other day, I realised that there was no way I could go on without watching (and posting about) 'Conan the Barbarian' as well. It would be like starting with 'The Empire Strikes' back and then carrying on without bothering with 'A New Hope'; do-able but strangely unfulfilling at the same time. It was this realisation that led to the next realisation, I didn't have a copy of 'Conan the Barbarian'. Luckily, a random browse through the Deptford CEX sorted me out and I settled down to watch it last night... Okay, and part of this morning as well, I'm all middle aged now so can't quite manage the late nights these days ;o)

'Conan the Barbarian' tells the story of Conan (surprise!) and his lifelong quest to have revenge on the men who slaughtered his village and, for some inexplicable reason, sent Conan to do loads of exercise, learn how to fight and then gain his freedom. What was that all about...? I mean, if you'd killed everyone else, you may as well finish the job... wouldn't you?

Oh well, they didn't and that's the cue for Conan to do what Conan does throughout the rest of the film. Be Conan and kill people. You wouldn't have thought this would be enough, for two hours worth of movie, but somehow not only is it plenty but it's so much fun in the meantime.

Most of this is down to Arnold Schwarzenegger and his iconic portrayal of an iconic barbarian. I don't know if it's more by luck than judgement but Schwarzenegger not only looks the part but absolutely nails the 'wide eyed barbarian in the big city' look as well as the 'wide eyed barbarian who is scared of magic' thing. It must be the only occasion where wooden acting is absolutely vital for the role. Either way, I really got into Schwarzenegger's 'Conan' in a way that I haven't before. I used to be more of a Jason Momoa's 'Conan' but now I'm not so sure. They're just two very different Conan's I guess.

Once again, the film makers decide not to mine any of the rich universe created by Robert E. Howard (apart from a little nod with the character of Valeria and the bit where Conan gets crucified; okay, maybe a little bit then), deciding instead to just go with a straight 'revenge' tale. Once I got over my slightly tired outrage, I found that it worked really well in it's own right as well as being a little travelogue through an appropriately bleak landscape that really captures the feel of what Conan is about, a brutal world that offers you the chance to be a hero and do the right thing. Or to do the right thing for reasons of your own, that's more like Conan; heroism isn't something that comes to him easily.

And perhaps most importantly of all, a 'Conan' film isn't a 'Conan' film without loads of sword fights and bloody gore. And an evil villain too, you have to have one of those. 'Conan the Barbarian' delivers on this both fronts with both Schwarzenegger and Bergman effortlessly carrying swashbuckling scenes of swordplay. James Earl Jones is a chilling Thulsa Doom, seemingly just through a wide eyed stare and soft voice (I loved the bit where he turns into a snake, that was brilliant). This movie has it all and is pitched at just the right level to keep you watching. Well, to keep me watching anyway :o)

'Conan the Barbarian' is a very simple movie then but the upside of this is that there's more time to concentrate on getting the basics right and as a result, no-one puts a foot wrong over the course of the film. It's a lot of fun and I don't know why I don't watch it more often to be honest, I'll have to do something about that.